Too much to drink, too many cigarettes, or too much on my mind. But here I am around 4 am. Tonight* the night that I just went through, was a lot to take in. April 3 was the awards ceremony for the Degas Pastel Society that I submitted some of my artwork to. To be quite honest, after arriving with my paintings and seeing some of the talent hanging on the walls, I felt like running. There are some amazing artists out there, and I feel like some of the best were at the Cresent City Brewhouse for this show. It was an awesome experience and quite an honor to see my paintings hanging on those old New Orleans walls. I can’t believe I had the gumption to actually follow through with this and actually put myself out THERE like never before. Overwhelmed and intimidated but that only starts to scratch the surface of the emotions I was feeling. Of Course I was anxious before we got there, and I ran late as usual. It took me a little longer to get ready. I’m not used to wearing make-up anymore and my fat ass didn’t want to cooperate with my pants. Guess I gained more weight than I realized, time to start some serious walking and some serious starving..

   Blake shut the shop down early and decided to come with me as did Cyndi. I was very glad to have them there, and it was great to hang out with just my two best friends. The beer of choice last night was Weiss, a nice light German beer it was good and even better, it was free. We drank, looked at the art, and hung out for a while.

   I suppose the one of the things most on my mind right now were the recipients of the awards. I’m not disappointed that I did not receive an award. I didn’t put my art in the show for an award and although, my art is for sale that was not the intended purpose either. I had to step outside of my comfort of living vicariously and express a part of me openly. It’s a part of me I’ve always been ashamed of unless I’m hiding behind a mask that comes in various forms. So, I decided to lay a part of me open to anyone who cared to see and I was being as realistic with myself as I could be about the outcome. Seeing the talent that I was up against, I knew that I had a long was to go with my artwork still. I know I’m not where I want to be with my art yet. I’m ok with that. With that being said, there were some paintings on exhibit that just stood out. I couldn’t help looking at them they were so beautiful or so well done. There were paintings that caught my imagination and eye and held them, some so real or deep that I felt I could walk right in, and to me...that is art. I was pretty shocked to see the paintings that got recognition. Very few of them were paintings I had thought would receive an award. It seems my least favorite paintings were the ones that were chosen with the exception of one or two. I was stunned and disappointed for the artist to see that beautiful painting of the church, with no ribbon. It was phenomenal, as was Ms. Marcia Holmes paintings of the masks and again no ribbon there. Mr. Alan Flattmans Butcher Shop deffinitly deserved some recognition. There were quite a few more that I thought deserved some attention, but who am I to judge? Maybe the judges were having some of that free Weiss. Now on to the rest of the night.

   Cyndi and I wanted to get our tarot cards read while we were in the quarter. We walked down to yesteryears and sadly Phillip is no longer there. I decided to go ahead and let this other guy do my reading and this is what he said. He first starts by telling me that I am widely mis-understood. Nobody really gets me and nobody will ever truly know me. I’m always outside looking in and I prefer to think outside of the box. Even though I have love in my life I will always feel a certain sense of loneliness and a feeling of not belonging. He says that this is because I don’t belong, and in truth I don’t fit in because I do think on a different level then most people. The loneliness or emptiness that I feel will always be with me. So I wear a mask to hide myself away so that I can be tolerable to those around me. He told me that I have far too many interests to benefit myself and that I spread myself too thin and that is why I have problems focusing and can never get ahead. He states the reason I do this is because I get bored of dealing with the same people and the same bullshit all the time. That’s the reason for the two completely different types of jobs and the amount of different hobbies I have. It’s more the people and the shit that comes with dealing with people that I get tired of. He said I read people rather well and have a need to know people, to learn them or to read them until they bore me and then I move on. Because I’m not generally understood, one satisfaction in life is for me to understand how others operate. He then lets me ask 4 questions.

    My first was about my artwork since that was fresh on my mind. He told me I would never make any money at it and that it is a hobby and will never be anything more than an outlet or a way to vent. It’s an escape into my self and a way to connect with the emptiness that overwhelms me at times. My art is a retreat from hurt caused by a world that abandoned me and will never accept me.

    My second question was in regards to my children. He asked how many kids I had and he pulls his choice of cards. He tells me my oldest child has had a hard past and her life has been a roller coaster of extreme highs and extreme lows and will always be so. He sees her as very cocky and self assured outwardly, but inside she is very insecure. She’s going to have rough relationships though out her life and one in particular will be damaging. She will be highly educated but will have it hard. He says my second child will also be well educated but will be a callous business man albeit a successful one. He will likely move away and get a lot of enjoyment out of crushing his competition.

   My third question was in regards to our business. He said it will be the source of security and it will be fine. It will not make us rich but we will be comfortable. He said that I was bored with the business and should think about hiring someone to take care of the mundane functions that I don’t enjoy. Only a fraction of my time should be spent there.

   The 4th question was the hardest to decide. I didn’t know whether I should inquire about my other job or my marriage. He tells me to ask about my other job because my marriage is safe, comfortable, secure and probably a little boring. So he tells me my other job (dental asst) is where I should focus most of my energy. He sees that I’m more interested in learning and working as a dental assistant, as it is more satisfying to me than my business. He sees this as my place to find my own identity separate from being just a wife and mother. He says that I need to travel in order to appease my desire to meet, read and know people if not I will get bored with life in general.

   You would think this is it being that I had only 4 questions but as the reading was coming to a close I couldn’t keep my eye off of one of the cards. The moon. This card comes up in every reading I have. This card reminded me I have another question that needs to be asked. He tells me I can’t ask another but I do anyway. Because of the circumstances he can’t resist and he does the reading. I tell him of my ex husband that has been missing now for 6 years. I ask if he is alive. He said he is alive and that he will resurface with dramatic results but it will be under his terms and when he wants. I will not find him by searching because he does not want to be found yet. I will be shocked when he returns and my life will be out of sorts for a while due to his return. He says it won’t be anytime soon as my life will be boring for some years. Boring in a comfortable sort of way. Again, he insists I travel.

   Well, it’s obvious my reading says I’m fickle and indecisive. Getting bored easily seems to be the theme and in many ways this is true. I go through phases of interest quite often. I will submerse myself deeply, sometimes losing myself into my subject and just as quickly lose interest. If it was really interesting I’ll go back and revisit whatever it was for a time until it bores me again. Although, I wouldn’t consider art as a means of survival or a dominant source of income (I’m far too realistic for that) I was rather disappointed with the hobby status. I hope to reach new heights through my artwork, but he was right, these are for selfish reasons. I do use art as an outlet and a way for me to identify and present myself the only way that I know how. He was right in saying that I do enjoy working and learning the medical field. My art and my job as a dental assistant are my means of creating an identity for my self so that I am known as Courtnie. I love being Blakes wife, Maddie and Chris’s mom and I love being a business owner, But there is a huge world out there and I want to see, feel, and experience as much of it as I can. I just have to get past the insecurities, fear of rejection and my own self doubts so that I can grow and continue becoming Courtnie. I was once told that I know a little about everything and a lot about nothing and that too is okay with me.I have a feeling Courtnie will never become a completed act. There is always something else to learn or create...just have to keep bringing it to a whole n’other level.

Bright and Innocent

                                                                  

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